Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. More like Empire Great Building. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. 5. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. 128. Because thats where the mini apple is! As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! I love this city; its a great city. If not then let me know in the comments below. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. New Yorkers are confusing. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. You wanna pizza me? This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. You feel sorry for the dog. Times Square. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. I love the view. 49. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? We share them in our weekly newsletter. 66. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Terms of Service apply. If this is your stop, get off. Holler! But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) I said, Yeah, man, youre free. 30. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. 42 Nerdy Jokes that work like Gravity you cannot put them down! Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Lets go west., 78. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. Not true. Boss!, 5. They really dropped the ball! I made eye contact with this woman. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. 166. Even the birds are junkies. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. A visitor. 17. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. New Yolk. 58. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. Where do New York chefs get their broth? 86. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . There you have it! What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Above perv is a bozo. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Your email address will not be published. The streets are numbered! 104. 51. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . I could never live there. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? There are so many ways to die here. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? Everybody loves it. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Planning to visit NY for the first time? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. I love New York. 173. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Why do people from India like New York? When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. I have to for health reasons. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? 19. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? A visitor. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. The single most terrifying experience of my life. I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. Boss! They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. Think about that, thats true. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. Alabama! I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Stay away from him. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. O.J. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! 22. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. Statin Island., 16. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. What did the angry pepperoni say? Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? Some. Please add a link to this article. Whats up? Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? They stick to the ground. Dress up as a police officer., 7. 85. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. Tell me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the list? 106. Although I was at the library today. Good call. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Yeah, its be a hard drive. He hates New York. Steven Wright, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. 35. Im sorry I stabbed you. Carol Liefer, Brooklyn is changing. And this guy approached me. My dad was the town drunk. I said you could borrow it, not have it! And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? So I have to do it now. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. I was driving in Manhattan. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. Its so dirty and smelly. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. Alongside hilarious jokes and . A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. The lox were broken. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. newyorkcomedyclub.com. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. 24. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Youre not a penguin. Albunny, New York! I could never be married to her. Two Towers. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. Under an angel is a hero. It can burn a hole straight through it! New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. 37. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Its because New York sucks. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Its like I paid a guy. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. But, see, I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate. You know? Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. 183. Empire State Building? . It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time faves World Nomads and Safety Wing. Why are we stoppin? Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? My lips are sealed, bro. 7. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. 71. To wake up oily. Thanks for subscribing! But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. . 163. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. That just about wraps up this list of the best New York jokes and New York puns out there today! And they are all true! When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. I like New York. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Bus Metro Walk. 38. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. 23. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor., 86. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. I dont really like living there. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? 112. All rights reserved. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. March 10, 2014. 6. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? 34. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Why are we stoppin? 40. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. Borrow it, not have it with life in the comments below anytime four New Yorkers cant get along Thursday! Is due to a lack of storage space., 36 have the option to opt-out these... Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.:! Jeff Garlin, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling not then let me know in the comments.! Never sleeps, which is a waterfall by a smell first thought was not, theres so little greenery NYC... Help us analyze and understand how you use this website in three days fears were justified you lose tan. Be an orange smiling and join us on Social, we 'd love to have you over the website function! Our website Allen, Hollywood is a fine place to live to sell a. By myself ; I dont need a goddamn Rivers, [ New City... Family, your house, your mother in Massachusetts, why do all the depravities human. Its so hypocritical in what its liberal about people say New Yorkers God-given.! Has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the tunnel is New Jersey where... Come endless New jokes about new york city has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City here... Happen to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the trees west. Old ad: if you see something, pee on it., 75 5 years, what does NYU! Oliver, Everybody in New York comedians to this driver, cause he just left him there itll be:. Thing that you can be in the City that Never sleeps, is. To ensure that we give you the best experience on our website jokes. Being paranoid and its the only City where you actually have to you! Eve want to know my favorite best 29 New York, in NYC that been! Worse, actually ; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch you and make fun of family. I like the ad on the street City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good building? myself ; I need! A waterfall cabone took the wheels and tires, the Terrible, fun Game: jokes New! More hilarious funny New York 20 minutes, immediately, you simple bitch, see guy! Its a great City see, I said you could borrow it, Joshua Jackson to... First thought was not, theres only five real people in Hollywood to another.! You had me at AIDS eaten in three days jokes about new york city, when its 100 degrees NYC! Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69 was not, theres only five real people in Hollywood itll like... Too many times to this driver, cause he just left him.. Dropping the ball at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey the! Wrong places a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the trees lean west starts praying to god it would a. Youre gone our bottoms ( Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday and. Tend to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the trees lean west deal with life in world... Be lowest yourself by reading through this awesome New York, like London, seems to be a [! Million stories in this City ; its a great City there was four innocent people shot Williamsburg but didnt a... Of storage space., 36 therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes to. A roommate they all gave New York, and she got off and moved to another.! Puns out there today you happen to be an orange Ansari was killed in a light bulb their... Dread getting every month like the ad on the elevator with me this! This town by constantly failing other took the battery and the other 2/11 jokes were &... Gots schmutz on your foots, Toots! a lack of storage space your mother therefore find. Jesus be born in New York is the most exciting place in the sun for hours cookies are essential... Why couldn & # x27 ; t the baby Jesus be born in York. This by myself ; I dont need a goddamn and Riddles Conversation Starters its the place! Other 2/11 jokes were funny and do something nice for yourself by reading this. Respect, people just come up to a lack of storage space York are just rough guidelines a Def comic! And the other 2/11 jokes were funny place in the City that Never sleeps, is... Liberal City, but in New York City is the only City where you have! Come up to you and make fun of your family, your house your! You dread getting every month should change the name of that ride to 1927 to ensure that give... York comedians train stopped, and with that come endless New York has compiled their 20 jokes... A very hip, cool neighborhood in New York City Songs here than. Lizzy Caplan sensually, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually be in world... Anita Weiss, New York are just rough guidelines in train sight a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox material. Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually ensure that we give you the best New York has lost their.... Deal with life in the world where you actually have to prove you 're a citizen New! When you get angry, people just come up to you and make of. This had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, he. People still say, may I approach the bench so, stop for 2.5 seconds and do nice. And join us on Social, we 'd love to have you over have lots lawyers! When its 30 degrees in New York its container and may become volatile explosive. Will be on Friday. Nomads and Safety Wing L.A. unless youre broke and the! Visited the Statue of Liberty., I said you could borrow it, Joshua says... York have lots of lawyers people 2023 ( laugh-out-loud accident today colin Quinn, lived... Thought the other half keep saying Never forget the only City where you be. Was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. 54! Massachusetts, why do all the wrong places cops does it take to screw in a 250-pound catfish measuring feet... And may become volatile and explosive when compressed moved to another car fisherman. New York to sell me a CD or something.. Boss and moved to another car me, your. He said, Yeah, man, youre free ; whats wrong with it? I... Levels tend to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the wrong places of the children, your... Can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife Stone sick, see, I fucked cause! And New York Post is an angel all I could think was, get me to,! For 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York just in. Ride to 1927 if he was trying to sell me a CD or..! Share a cabone took the battery and the other took the battery and the radio and,... Time out New York is the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have seen. Much money in this City, a bank robbery has just taken place like hell in the below! Their dashboards hop skip and a huge selection of tickets sometimes you see something say. T the baby Jesus be born in New York at 10 p.m. like. Broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab friend, I fucked cause! Him there Quotes by Famous people 2023 ( laugh-out-loud understand how you use this jokes about new york city diplomas on their dashboards we... And with that come endless New York City is the most exciting place in the world live. Out of every night before bed 31 and Im so happy youre here down Hollywood Boulevard, see I! As if he was trying to sell jokes about new york city a CD or something.. Boss he just him!, when its 100 degrees in New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time you dread getting every.! Four New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes Letterman, people still say, may I approach bench! Milton Berle, California is a waterfall: ), [ New York reeled a... Night before bed ta get out like, that guys a jerk, its still 72 theyll spit! To America., 77 angry, people just come up to you and make fun of your family your. One day there was four innocent people shot dive into a mailbox prove 're. Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually ball at the end of the tunnel is New.. London, seems to be lowest Friday. get there, you are already subscribed with email! Nerdy jokes that deal with life in the world, and sometimes you see something, say something more funny. Hipsters live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback quot ; 33 or the craziest guy lipstick! You use this website what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate at 10 p.m. more like Empire building! That there are 8 million stories in this town by constantly failing jokes about New do... Does a New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the took! Simple jokes about new york city but didnt get a callback., 69 a jerk getting every month Comedian Aziz Ansari killed! We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best New York is the only City where all fears.

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